The beginning

so i started out with my husband in college.  we met at a bar.  he was newly graduated, i was going into my junior year.  he was cute and charming, and i had never had any guy call me before, without wanting sex, so this was a new and exciting relationship.  of course, we did have sex right away, and i (in the back of my mind) knew it probably wouldn’t last.

sure enough, he called me at the end of the summer (we met in may), saying that he was older, already done with school, and had a girl coming back from break that he wanted to see again.  i was ok with that.  we went our separate ways.

come september, i called him one night, just out of loneliness and boredom.  we began to date, and were inseparable almost immediately.  i was not new to having an adoring boyfriend, but i had never adored one back, before,  i was smitten.  what i didn’t know, was that i was also almost immediately being emotionally abused.

signs of a potentially abusive relationship:

**isolation from friends and family.  almost immediately, he wanted all my time.  i lived with my three best friends and by the end of that first year, we were no longer on speaking terms.

**verbal abuse.  he would call me stupid during fights, and would yell at me when angry during fights,  not unusual, but it was still scary.  i was never a yeller until him!

**blames others.  it was always the other stupid driver’s fault, or the kids’ fault, or my fault or whomever else he could blame, instead of to just admit he was wrong.

**abuses alcohol or drugs.  we were in college.  we both did our share of abusing alcohol, but he always went way past tipsy.  always,  still does.  then, he tells me i can’t drive his drunk ass home right.

**intimidation.  he has never been intentionally intimidating, but he is 6’5″, and i am 5’2″.  you do the math.

**punish you for time away.  he never told me i couldn’t go anywhere, but he would give me the silent treatment when i got home, or want sex, or both.

**expects servitude.  he rarely did any housework, and was a complete slob when i met him.  i would have to clean the shower with the toilet brush and dish detergent just to shower.  even now, he rarely does anything but laundry (never folding or putting it away) and mowing.

**jealousy.  jealous of time away, friends, family, old boyfriends, job aspirations, etc.  he was very jealous when i won a trip to hawaii for work and he had to have the kids himself for a week.  he took them away from me out of town the weekend i got back so i had to wait to see them another whole day.

**emotional manipulation.  any time he didn’t get what he wanted, he would say “if you love me…” or he would sulk or act pouty when i tried to do things he didn’t like or agree with.

**gets physical.  he never hit me, or physically hurt me.  but, he would use my body to get revenge when i spent time away, by being very insistant on sex, then getting angry if i didn’t want to.  i finally learned to just do it every time to avoid his pouting and silent treatment.

so, early on, i was a goner.  my divorcing parents didn’t have time to deal with me, so i left them largely out of it.  i just dealt with what I thought was normal behavior.  i had no role model to follow, no experience in having a loving, long term boyfriend, and he would woo me back with tons of love and affection, and promises of being better next time.

the more things change, the more they stay the same.



**taken from


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