gotta journal for my sanity

i have always liked to write, mostly in an informational way, and to help others to understand things in a new or different way.

but, sometimes, i just want to write for myself.

so, ten years ago, when i wanted to leave the last time, i decided to go see a therapist.  she told me i should be writing all my feelings out in a journal.  i did.  then my husband found it and read it.  that was the end of my writing in a journal.

over the years i have tried off and on, but i always would censor myself.  what if he would find it and then get mad, or be offended?  then i would be on the defensive again.  not a fun place to be.  so i stuffed all my feelings, and let them stifle.  for ten years.

this summer, i began to journal again, on the advice of a new therapist.  i told him that my husband had read my past journal.  he told me to hide it.  or, let him read it, and let the chips fall.  well, i’m too much of a wimp to just let it all hang out, so to speak, so i have it hidden.  that makes it difficult to deal with, sometimes, especially if i leave it in my purse (i like to write while i wait for the kids after school)  and forget to put it back.

i guess my point is, now that it is hidden, i don’t censor myself.  i let it all go.  i can honestly say that my life is much more calm and i can stay way more focused on how he is treating me.  i can see patterns and detect those times when he is just being an ass versus those times when he is choosing to be abusive.

i can also write out when he is being nice, and try to decide if it’s genuine or part of his manipulation.

clarity.  it’s a good thing!

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sometimes

sometimes i wish he would just hit me so the wounds would be more obvious.

sometimes i wish he would just cheat on me again so i can toss his ass out.

sometimes i wish his family would witness his constant criticism and ridicule, but that will never happen.

sometimes i wish he would just fall in love with someone else and leave forever.

sometimes i wish he would fall in love with me so i could live a normal life with a normal marriage.

sometimes i wish i could fast forward a couple years and already be divorced by now.

sometimes i wish i could just be done with this life.  but not really.  just be done with this life with him and be on my own.

sometimes i wish i could be 19 again and not have ever met him.

sometimes.

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