so, it begins.
i called the paralegal at the women’s center yesterday. i filled out an application for legal services over the phone, discussing such wonderful things as: how many bank accounts do we have(3), how many cars(3), do we have a mortgage(no), etc. now it all goes to the lawyer to see if he can take my case for legal aid.
she was very nice, we politely discussed my years of emotional and financial abuse, and had a chuckle over how men “just don’t know their own strength, sometimes”.
and so it begins.
it sounds like i have a good case to get a good chunk of, if not half of our house, cars, savings, 401k and stocks. it’s very important now, though, to not let on to him, or i know he will start to try to hide assets.
there are so many things i want and need to start doing, but at the same time, i feel paralyzed with fear. not so much of what he will do to me. but because i know that this man, who claims to love me, and is the father of my children, a coach, a loving son, will turn on me. he will turn like a bad apple, and i worry about the rest of the barrel. i know in my heart that my kids will understand (maybe not right away, but eventually), and will be mostly on my side, i just know he will do his best to turn them against me, and blame me for the break up of our marriage. he will never accept full blame. he will say he accepts part of the blame, but that will only be to garner sympathy. he won’t actually feel the full force of what he has done to me.
that’s for me to feel.
but i am already feeling a taste of what freedom will be like. decorating my own house, eating whatever i want to eat without getting grief. being able to sleep the whole night without being woken up by the light and his talk that can wait until morning, but he won’t let it. staying on the couch all weekend if i want and not feeling like i have to clean because he keeps making comments about what a pit the house is. i can wait for the legal crap. but i know the sweet feeling of freedom will be worth all the other stuff we will have to go through in between.
what was your biggest fear of leaving? or of being on your own?