Around and around…the circular conversation

this conversation happens all the time.  i bring up a small criticism, or a request, and it is usually turned right back around to blame me.  this was copied and pasted from an online forum i belong to, which has been a huge source of validation for me…

My husband coaches. So, today my son had a game, and I went with the two youngest (2 and 6), and he coached the 11 year old.
The kids did great during the game, but I had to pee at the end, and since the game was almost over, I decided to wait until husband came out of the gym to go. So, I walked out right after the game, as I usually do, to make room for the incoming spectators for the next game. I have always done this. H stays in the gym in the corner with the boys and has his coach talk. After about five minutes, kids from the team start coming out, so I assume H will be out shortly.

So, ten minutes out in the lobby, and I am about to wet my pants. I go to the gym, look inside for H, and he is talking to one of the parents. I motion for him to come out, and he starts to come out. I went and peed.

In the van, I said, “I waited in the lobby for you to come out, and I really had to pee…next time could you just come out and tell me if you are going to be so long?”

He says, “I didn’t know where you went, and I had to watch the other team’s zone defense. And I only talked to the parent for a second. A second.”

Me: “Well, it seems like it happens a lot where I go out with the little kids and we end up waiting a long time for you. It would be nice if you could just think about us, and not take so long, or just give me a heads up.”

Him: “Well, if it happens so often, then you should expect it, and just assume I will take that long after each game. You could have come in and just told me.”

Me: “I didn’t want to take the little kids back into the crowded gym, and I was trying to be nice, letting you talk to the team. I didn’t know you were going to watch part of the next game. I would appreciate an apology once in a while, or just think about how other people feel.”

Him: “Well, I could apologize, but you just are so pissed off all the time, so I can’t win, no matter what I do.”

And on, and on. He tells me all the time that he wants me to tell him when he is doing things that bother me, but when I do, he gets mad, blames me for the whole thing, and ends up not telling me it’s my fault that he’s not apologizing.

God!! Every single time I think he’s starting to figure it out, and I think maybe I am over reacting, he pulls this crap.

And, the other day, my kids wanted to stop at the store and get a donut after school. I said no, I didn’t have any money. My 8 year old pops up and says, “and dad doesn’t like when you spend his money. Why don’t you just get a job?” I said, “well, dad doesn’t want me to work because he worries we won’t qualify for free stuff, any more.”

8 year old says, “Dad’s not very smart. He gets mad when you spend money but won’t let you get a job. That’s dumb.”

Out of the mouths of babes!

legal process, step 2, call with the lawyer

talked to a lawyer today.  it was a very reassuring, yet terrifying conversation.  he asked several of the questions I had told the paralegal that i talked to at legal aid, and clarified a few things.  he told me he would take my case!  while i am hugely relieved, i got off the phone and just sobbed.  gut-wrenching, killer sobs.  i just thank God that my 2 year old was sleeping, or he would have thought his mommy was off her rocker.

we discussed child support, alimony, whether or not i had a place to go and if i would be safe if he got served with papers and i was still in the home.  also, what my prospects and goals for the future are, going forward.  we left it that i will meet with him in a week, and then after that until after the holidays, i will think and decide for sure if i want to proceed.

i know he will be scary angry when he gets served, but i plan to be halfway to my sister’s house when he does.

either way, i can’t stay stagnant.  i have been an overweight, bored, fun-loving-but-stifled, stay home mom for 12 years.  every time i tried to grow or change, or just try something new, i was discouraged, put down, and belittled.  told we can’t afford school, but i can’t get a job because then we wouldn’t qualify for all the financial aid programs that we qualify for if i stay home.  told that he can work because he gets paid cash for his second job, so we don’t have to claim it.  he can go out and coach, and serve on the sports association, and be gone all day and half the evenings all week, but i can’t work part time, because how would the kids get to all their activities?  and who would watch them while my daughter is working and he is off at the bar having a meeting with his sports association pals?

i plan to speak with him one more time about the therapy he promised six months ago and didn’t go to.  and the fact that i want more out of my life than the same tired yearly vacation, the same routine, the living room furniture arrangement that we’ve had for 17 years.  part of me feels i owe him one last shot at redemption, though i know it will not go my way.  the attorney asked if i was past the point of no return, and in my heart, i know i am.  i am just afraid of conflict and i know the next 1-2 years of my life will be a huge upheaval.

i want to learn, and grow and not be told i am selfish for wanting more out of life…of being told by his actions, if not his words, that everything in our life is more important than me.  it will be worth it in the end.