talked to a lawyer today. it was a very reassuring, yet terrifying conversation. he asked several of the questions I had told the paralegal that i talked to at legal aid, and clarified a few things. he told me he would take my case! while i am hugely relieved, i got off the phone and just sobbed. gut-wrenching, killer sobs. i just thank God that my 2 year old was sleeping, or he would have thought his mommy was off her rocker.
we discussed child support, alimony, whether or not i had a place to go and if i would be safe if he got served with papers and i was still in the home. also, what my prospects and goals for the future are, going forward. we left it that i will meet with him in a week, and then after that until after the holidays, i will think and decide for sure if i want to proceed.
i know he will be scary angry when he gets served, but i plan to be halfway to my sister’s house when he does.
either way, i can’t stay stagnant. i have been an overweight, bored, fun-loving-but-stifled, stay home mom for 12 years. every time i tried to grow or change, or just try something new, i was discouraged, put down, and belittled. told we can’t afford school, but i can’t get a job because then we wouldn’t qualify for all the financial aid programs that we qualify for if i stay home. told that he can work because he gets paid cash for his second job, so we don’t have to claim it. he can go out and coach, and serve on the sports association, and be gone all day and half the evenings all week, but i can’t work part time, because how would the kids get to all their activities? and who would watch them while my daughter is working and he is off at the bar having a meeting with his sports association pals?
i plan to speak with him one more time about the therapy he promised six months ago and didn’t go to. and the fact that i want more out of my life than the same tired yearly vacation, the same routine, the living room furniture arrangement that we’ve had for 17 years. part of me feels i owe him one last shot at redemption, though i know it will not go my way. the attorney asked if i was past the point of no return, and in my heart, i know i am. i am just afraid of conflict and i know the next 1-2 years of my life will be a huge upheaval.
i want to learn, and grow and not be told i am selfish for wanting more out of life…of being told by his actions, if not his words, that everything in our life is more important than me. it will be worth it in the end.