sucked me in again…it’s a cycle, damnit!

this has been cut and pasted from my online group emotional abuse forum.  i posted it earlier this evening and have received such wonderful validation that i feel renewed determination to get out of this hell and move on with my life.  hopefully the next time i post will be after my dick husband has been served!

God, I am such a fool.

I convinced my H to go to see the therapist, finally. That night, after I didn’t fall on my knees and tell him how proud and wonderful he was that he finally went, we got in a fight, and I basically said that if things didn’t majorly change, I would file for divorce (not telling him it is already set up). Partly, I felt he deserved a heads-up (??) and also, because I was curious of his reaction.

His reaction was:
— no divorce
— I would have to move out because he is not going anywhere
— he would not give me any money to start out new somewhere else, because he doesn’t want me to leave.
— told me that I would tell the kids terrible things about him
— basically said that me wanting a divorce was not the way to raise the kids even after I told him that I would be happier without all the pressure, thus would be a happier mom.

Then, he asked me to leave our bed (we had just turned the light off to go to sleep when this started), so I went into the living room.

He followed me, and spent a good hour or more telling me he loved me, needed me, didn’t mean to be abusive, hated that the kids were growing up the way they are because of him (all his words). He said he would do anything to get me to stay.

I pointed out that I had heard most of this before, and how many chances did he deserve, and he said “a lot”. Then he cried and cried and said that I needed to give him just one more chance, and he would “never” treat me that way again.

I gave in like a ninny and he took the next two days off work and we did stuff around the house, and he literally spent the entire time telling me that I could go back to school(something I said I needed if I was going to stay), if I wanted, I could go back to work, he promised he would fix up the house or we could buy a new one. He basically told me everything I have been wanting to hear for years.

Anyway, we went to the therapist together on Thursday. I thought, ok, either he will be abusive again, and I will leave anyway, or he will be good, and I will be able to relax.

It went well, he admitted that he had treated me badly, but I was scared to bring up anything abusive, because I knew I would have to ride home with him, and I didn’t want to have another marathon discussion.

He has been very attentive, telling me that he loves me constantly (totally love-bombing me) and yet, he is still being manipulative.

He wanted to cuddle, and I said I didn’t want to last night, and he made a sad face and was like, “I can’t help wanting to cuddle you all the time”, though he hadn’t hardly touched me or had sex with me in two months, just a few days before.

Yesterday he said something about how he was trying hard not to yell at the kids, and he was looking forward to me being the bad guy now, kind of laughing. Then last night, he drank about six beers, and yelled at them about how they “always” spill things, and how they “never” clean up well enough. Also, he did a similar thing today, where he spackled some holes in the walls and a little while after that, our 9 year old accidentally opened the door too hard and hit one of the holes, and my H was like, “he always slams his door open, and never pays attention to what he is doing.” Later he complained that “none” of our kids are good at cleaning up after themselves and that they have “terrible” listeningskills.

Um, they range in age from 2-19. Some of them need help with learning to listen and examples from us on how to clean. He even said that other people’s kids don’t act like our’s.

He has given me sob stories about his mom and how she left his dad and how it was so traumatic and terrible and how he will never forget her almost running over his dad in the car trying to get away from him. I said, “did it ever occur to you why she may have been trying to get away?” He didn’t really acknowledge that.

All of that in the 6 days since I said I would give him one more chance.

I am done, but now I don’t have the resources to move out and I don’t have the same plan in place I had before. I can have him served pretty much any time next week, but it will be much worse after I spent this week hugging and kissing him, telling him I do love him. Basically comforting him (again) and not pointing out his manipulation. I am terrified that I will not be able to do this again, and I will be suckered back in. He will just tell me that we need to go to counseling again.

I really feel like the only way to do this is to move out, but I can’t if I don’t have a place to live, and I really wanted to let the kids stay here at home without having to move them.

I may just have to try and rent an apartment and do it anyway, even if it isn’t convenient. I can apply for jobs this week, and I can take half out checking account money, which will only be about $1500, but will be a good start.

I feel like I am stuck even more now than I was before. I am so flipping mad at myself. I just can’t believe I let him do this to me again.

I felt like I could give him a chance and in the mean time, go back to school, get a job, etc and have a chance at a new us. Why did I really think it would change? Almost immediately I regretted it, but I thought that I was just so used to the way he was treating me before that this new attention was just uncomfortable. Now I realize my body was telling me that it was out of the ordinary because he had turned it on like a switch again.

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3 thoughts on “sucked me in again…it’s a cycle, damnit!

    • I have to be honest. Part of the reason he followed me is because he feels like if he just can pester me enough, it will wear me down, and he will have me right back where he wants me because I am tired of fighting and I just give in.

      But, he has been living up for the most part to what I have asked of him, so time will tell.

      Liked by 1 person

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