can’t help feeling hopeful. that’s new.

so i am suspiciously hopeful that things could change for the better.  i am not entirely convinced, but am hopeful.

he still tries to manipulate me, but when i point it out, he is quick to try to explain himself, and doesn’t get defensive like he used to.  when i point things out to him that are borderline abusive, he will apologize and will ask me what i need for him to do to make it right.  he is loving, affectionate, has been helping me figure out what we need to do to go back to school, and has been helping out around the house.

but, i don’t know how long it will last.  i am doing my best to get along, because i feel like when it eventually goes to shit, which i feel it will, i want to know that i did all i possibly could to make things work.  i have a friend who divorced a few years ago.  her husband was also abusive, but at the time i didn’t know that.  she told me that she wanted him to go to counseling, but then later, he told me that when they finally went, she only went to one session, then filed for divorce.  that’s what i almost did.  now, i am glad i waited, because all i heard from her ex after their divorce was how she never tried harder.  until my own revelation about abuse, it never occurred to me that she was likely further abused during that one session, or after it, and that’s why she only went once.  i know for a fact that if i don’t give it a “good” try this time, it will be held over my head forever.

so, here i am.  making the best of things, enjoying this (probably temporary) honeymoon period, and biding my time.  i will go back to school in the fall, get a job, and get back some self esteem.

my children have benefited from his improvement, but i still see his treatment of them needs vast improvement.  that is my next issue to tackle.  he finally agreed that our nine year old needs to see a therapist, so i will try to set that up next week.  it’s so obvious when my husband treats them better, they are so happy and cooperative.  as soon as he starts getting angry, yells, or is critical, they begin to get angry and uncooperative.  i just wish he could see it as clearly as i can.

i try to keep positive, but i am just really waiting for the day when i can figure out how to live on my own.  it may take a year or so, but it will be worth it in the end.  i will use this time to work on myself, and to work on his relationship with the kids. i am hopeful that at least, he can repair his relationship with his children, even if we don’t last.  i would rather know that his relationship with his children is better, even if our relationship ends.


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