ok, here we are again.

well, two years later, and i feel like i am pretty much back in the same boat as i was two years ago.  i learned on a domestic abuse forum i was on a while back to do an exercise where i list out on an index card each instance of abuse and categorize them by topic, like “manipulation” and “sexual abuse”.  i decided to jump start my current decision to leave my husband by listing out all 300 or so instances.  not every single one of them, but the most damaging and the most frequent.  not so much to share all the dirty laundry of our relationship with the world, but to hopefully help another person see that these things add up over a relatively short period of time.  also, my pile of index cards is growing, and i just plain don’t have a good place to keep them!

manipulation:

used our Progressive snapshot to check on where i was driving and called me on the phone to see what was taking me so long to get to my destination

i wrote him a letter to tell him how i feel about our problems, and he said “if you can’t tell me face to face what is wrong, then i don’t care what you have to say”

told me all the kids had to go to another one of the kids’ games, then when they all complained, told them that i was the one making them go.

tells me things then when i tell him he told me, he argues and tells me i told him, instead.

got mad at me when i didn’t want to participate in the ALS ice bucket challenge and tried to tell me i was making the family look bad if i didn’t.

gets mad at me when we are out and he is drunk (and i’m not) and he wants to dance.  he guilts me into it almost every time.  even though when we do get out there, i am embarrassed and he doesn’t even dance with me, anyway.

asks me to call about something, tells me what to say/ask the entire time i am on the phone, then when i am done, he gets mad that i didn’t say/ask the right things.  yet he won’t call himself, because i am “better” at calling than he is.

tells me i am “always mad” about something.

went to a party and when we left, he said (drunk), “see, i left when you did and i didn’t get mad or anything.”  like i should be grateful that he wasn’t angry.

i wanted to get my tubes tied.  when we had sex, he would say things like, “i can’t wait until we can have sex all the time and not have to worry about getting pregnant.”  then, went behind my back and called our priest to tell him that i was doing this, and he didn’t want me to.  that was the first time i knew he didn’t want me to.

i told him i was going to counselling, and he told me that i would just use the time to tell the counselor terrible things about him. (more than one instance of this)

when we try to make plans, he is very vague, and never gives a straight answer, and then complains when the plans aren’t made.  he will string his answer out until we are frustrated (the kids and i) and then give his “permission” at the last minute, so it’s too late to make the plans we wanted to.

i asked him for years.  YEARS!!! to go to counselling.  said it would be the last resort before divorce.  then, when i finally told him we needed counselling or i wanted to file for divorce, waited six months to finally go with me.  i kept telling him to call, and he just wouldn’t.

got mad at me for not sleeping with him in a tiny little bed on vacation at his father’s house, and gave me the silent treatment all the next day.

one night i told him i didn’t want to cuddle because i was too hot and sweaty, and he said that i was “sad” for not wanting to cuddle, and that it wasn’t that hot.

when i was pregnant with our first child, we went out to eat.  he asked for the waitress’s phone number right in front of me and the couple we were eating with “just to see if i still can”

we broke up for a few months early on, and the whole summer we were broken up, he kept badgering me to move in with him as “friends” to “save money.”  he had broken up with me.  i hadn’t wanted to break up in the first place.

tells me it is my responsibility to “keep me (him) in line”  implying that if he is being abusive that it’s my fault for not telling him to knock it off.

accuses me of taking things all the time.  then, when i tell him i have no idea where the thing is, he says that’s “peculiar”.

told me that i should only write positive things in my journal, trying to censor me (after he read it and then lied to me about it).

we were going to put in new cabinets (still haven’t) and he said to me that i shouldn’t leave him after this, because it is expensive.

told me that if i stay with him, and he dies before me, i will inherit a lot of money.

tells me that he “never uses” Facebook or plays games on his phone, yet he does it every night.

WOW!!  that is all just one category.  i think i will publish the rest under multiple posts to keep from overwhelming you!  just trust your gut when you think you are being manipulated.  because you probably are.

 

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