index cards, part four

more abusive comments and instances, from my husband:

weight and food comments:

told me i looked pregnant when he knew i wasn’t

several times has bought me shirts in several sizes too small, and then when i can’t wear them, says “some day” they will fit

laughed at me when i said i was interested in joining an adult soccer league.

when i wanted (needed) to buy some new clothes, said “aren’t you trying to lose weight?”

when i was eating dinner one night, he made such a hurtful comment about it, that even my teenager told him to quit being mean to me.

we were at Costco, and when i said i wanted a hotdog, he kept saying “i don’t need anything, i’m not hungry” until finally i yelled at him that i wasn’t asking about him, i was asking about me!

he will go without eating at a restaurant (acting the martyr) and then ask me if he can have some of my food.

buys soda and keeps it in the garage then gets mad when i drink it.  he will count the cans and ask the kids who had some.  yet, he gave up soda like two years ago.

i was eating leftovers “eating AGAIN?”

constantly tells me how he doesn’t drink soda any more.  i know, already!

“didn’t you just eat?”

i tell him to stop buying junk food and he tells me to use my will power, then he will tell me to stop buying chips because he can’t help himself.

tells me to not let him eat junk food and to quit buying it, even then i’m not the one eating it.

brags about how he fasts during Lent every year

told me more than once he would buy me a new wardrobe if i would lose weight.

he tells me he is fat all the time (he is not) and that if i don’t talk with him about it, like tell him to keep track of his health, that should, because he is my husband.

dismissing my feelings:

i slept on the couch in the living room for three weeks with our newborn baby because the light at night bothered him when i nursed.  but then he complained that i was not in our bed.

i asked him three separate times to call the doctor to make a therapy appointment, but he just blew it off.  then when he finally did call, he didn’t tell me, and he didn’t make an appointment because they told him the file was closed and he needed me to open it.  but i couldn’t open it because he didn’t tell me he had called!

once, when i did flat out tell him to call the therapist, he didn’t even respond.  he just watched me cry until i got up and left the room.

he overstays his welcome when we go to a friend’s house, but when i try to steer him out of there, he resists.  i usually just leave, then he tells me i am a lightweight for not staying longer.

told him we should go when i could tell the neighbors were tired of us being there.  he said “you can go” and then stayed to drink more.  finally, they just had to tell him to go home.  this has happened twice with two different neighbors.

told me i could snap out of my depression

blows off my concerns of his drinking

doesn’t leave places when i want to go without telling everyone i am making him leave

rarely calls when he is running late.  to the point that we have to change plans because of his lateness.  then he gets defensive about it when i am angry.

used my nice white towels to wash his car once, and when i complained, he told me i shouldn’t be so caught up in “things”

i ask him if i can go somewhere without the kids and he will ask where i am going, why, etc, then say “i don’t care what you do”

i have told him for years that i want a book shelf, and he just flat out refuses.  yet he will spend hundreds of dollars on a new tv or video games, etc.

he will come into the room, change the channel of the show i am watching, without even asking, then he will leave the room.  i will leave the tv on that channel thinking he is coming back, until like a half hour goes by and i realize he is not coming back in.

tells me he will be home in a few minutes, then will stay like an hour or two later without answering my calls or texts.  more than once

doesn’t keep promises consistently.  like helping with bedtime or calling for counselling.

issues with the kids:

insists the kids come with us places, then gets mad when they fuss or complain about it taking so long.

yells at one particular child over every little thing, while favoring another child.

when my two year old fell off the swing, he got mad and told me i shouldn’t need to nurse him to comfort him

uses the kids to check on me and encourages them to tattle on me.

controls when and where we go as a family for vacations, etc, even if the kids don’t really want to do that thing.

makes fun of me in front of the kids all the time, then tells me i am being too sensitive.

undermines me in front of the kids.

makes jokes about how he is not their father.  he is “joking” but it hurts my feelings.

told me he wants to be the fun dad so i can be the bad guy

very rarely helps the kids to get ready to go anywhere and then gets mad when i complain about it.

gets mad at them about things that they have no control over and tries to punish them for just doing kid things.  like when my four year old wanted to cuddle with me and not tell him goodnight, he told my son that “mom won’t let you cuddle with her any more if you don’t kiss me goodnight”, and then tells me not to cuddle with him.  HE’S FOUR!!

bugged me about weaning my son.  what does he care?  he’s not the one feeding him

issues with drinking:

gets mad at me when i tell him he has had too much to drink

hit on our neighbor when he was drunk telling her to make me jealous.  later he “walked in” on her in the bathroom

he gets mad when he sees me drink a soda, but never says a word when i drink alcohol

drove drunk with my son in the car, then fought with me about how much he had had to drink.

i had to bail him out of jail for DUI once

always assumes i will be the designated driver without ever offering once, and if i asked him to, he would say no

drives with open containers of alcohol all the time, and will drink one on the way home from work frequently, even after i have asked him not to.

always tries to get me to drink and just can’t take no for an answer when we go out somewhere.  is getting better about this, but he still does it sometimes.  yet he expects me to drive.

 

 

more index cards

i mentioned in my last post, that i was using index cards to show each instance of abusive antics.  here are the next batch.

isolation (from others):

told me he didn’t like when i posted stuff on Facebook without showing him first.

tells me all the time that my friends on Facebook aren’t really friends, and that if i don’t know them face to face, i should unfriend them.

tells me i have “too many” online friends

whenever we go out somewhere with other people, he talks to others and pretty much just ignores me.

i quit going to my knit night with friends because he didn’t like that they were not Catholic and that i should only be friends with people who share my beliefs.

told me when i was unemployed and a stay home mom that if i wanted to go visit my out of state mom, i should save my own money.

whenever i mention going to visit my mom, he laughs and says the kids will hate it because there is nothing to do there.

says “it’s not my fault your family is so far away”

i pretty much never go to events that i get invited to, because he always gets pissy when i go, and it’s not worth the fight.

tells me that it is too expensive to visit my family, and they should come see me, when we see his family at literally every holiday, and multiple other times throughout the year.

double standards:

tells me how stupid twitter is, and makes fun of me for using it by commenting on Facebook.

tells my older children that i drank a lot in college but that he was “never that bad”.  yet, he is the one that always wanted to go out to the bars.

rarely helps me get the kids ready to go somewhere, then gets angry at all of us when we are late.

he had a lock code on his phone, but was angry that i had a lock code on my laptop.he only took his code off when my neighbor made the comment that “married people shouldn’t have secrets”

told me early on that if i really loved him, i would get rid of all my former boyfriends’ mementos, so i did.  but he never got rid of any of his old flames’ stuff.

he makes last minute plans, yet if i want to go somewhere, i have to make the plans in advance, and he usually asks me to take one of the kids with me.

tells me all the time that he never watches tv, and he does all the time.

yells at the kids for being messy, but rarely cleans up after himself.

pushed us to hurry to go to son’s game, then when he was the one finally making us late, said “it’s ok, we have plenty of time”

 

top 10 things i wish i had known were abusive before marriage…

10.  manipulation  “if you really loved me…”

9.  belittling “you would never be able to get a job as a waitress.  you are not attractive enough to make good tips”

8.  financial control  “if you want to visit your mom, you will have to just save up your own gas money”

7.  isolation  “but your family never comes here to visit, so why should we have to visit them?”

6.  dismissing my feelings “you need to lighten up, I was only kidding about your weight”

5.  lying “i was crashing at a friend’s house so you wouldn’t worry”

4.  cheating  “ok, i did cheat, but it was only three times with the same person on three different nights”

3.  making jokes about death “wouldn’t it suck if I fed you antifreeze in your soda?  then i’d be on those shows you watch all the time”

2.  excessive criticism  “what did you do at home all day with just the kids?  this place is a wreck”

1.  the silent treatment  ”   ………………………  “