index cards, part five

he hates correction!!

i once asked him if he wanted to do the dishes or switch the laundry and he told me to quit patronizing him and to stop treating him like a child, and then he did neither.

he was having a conversation in front of me with my daughter, and when i tried to tell him that i agreed with her, he told me to butt out and that this had nothing to do with me.

he tells me that we (me and the kids) gang up on him all the time.

he pushes the kids too far with teasing and then gets angry when they don’t think he is hilarious, or when they tell him to leave them alone.

he gets angry when i agree with someone that is disagreeing with him.

belittling me:

acts like he doesn’t believe me when i tell him things to the point that i feel like maybe i am lying?

tells me all the time that i am not good at finding the deals and complains when i don’t shop right, and end up spending too much

points out all my mistakes, and does it in front of the kids and others.  then tells me he is just trying to help me when i get mad.

tells others how promiscuous i was and how much i drank in college

twice has made me go back to the store (probably more times) to return something that was too expensive, because i didn’t do it right (get the one on sale, etc)

got mad once that the paper napkins were out, then told me we need to use the cloth ones and only use paper when those are all dirty, which is what i do anyway.  he was very condescending, like it was something i hadn’t ever thought of before.

has called me stupid, a bitch, dumb, dumbass, etc.

makes fun of me in front of my own friends, tells others their ideas or interests are stupid or horrible

says things like “even mom knows” like i am normally stupid or something.

makes comments about me like “look at you!  all interested in that!” just basically being very condescending.

tells me all the time that my choice in tv shows is bad or weird or stupid and same with my music

asking what i did all day when the house was a mess, but never helping me to clean it.

dwells on our mistakes and doesn’t let them go, but gets mad when i bring his past mistakes up and tells me that i shouldn’t hold them against him, because they are in the past

makes jokes about my athletic ability.  tells me how clumsy i am

constantly teases me about my grey hair, being short, my small feet

scares me by jumping out at me and things like that, then tells me i take life too seriously when i get mad, even after i have asked him countless times to stop.

makes jokes about how “lazy” i am, even though i know he somewhat means it.

accuses me of taking things that don’t belong to me, but doesn’t apologize when he realizes he was wrong

makes comments whenever i don’t want to cuddle or whatever.  like “your stomach hurts because you are so mean to me all the time”

has joked about things like throwing me off a balcony and serving me antifreeze

joked about having sex with other women so they wouldn’t be lonely and his “girlfriends” and tells me how amazing other women are all the time, even though he has cheated on me in the past, and i tell him all the time those jokes aren’t funny

silent treatment:

went behind my back and found out i had credit card debt.  didn’t talk to me for days.  when i finally asked what was wrong, he got mad and told me he was waiting for me to tell him about it.

will go days without talking to me except about the kids, will hardly touch or hug me, and will talk to everyone else but me, and then when i call him out, tells me i am being paranoid.

didn’t have sex for a month, even though he always complains about how we never have it enough.  then when we were about to and got interrupted, he complained that we always get interrupted.  ??

LIES:

lied about depositing cash into our account when he actually hid it in his dresser, then lied about how much cash it actually was.

lied about me being on our joint account

lied about cheating on me, denied it flat out when i confronted him

lied about where he was when he was really cheating on me

read my journal then lied and said he didn’t when i saw him do it.

lied about sleeping with other girls while we were broken up in college, then admitted it years later after we were already together again.

lied about kissing another girl at a bar when i asked him about it.

lied about adding me to our gas card.  said it wasn’t possible, and when i called the company, they said it would be no problem

 

 

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more index cards

i mentioned in my last post, that i was using index cards to show each instance of abusive antics.  here are the next batch.

isolation (from others):

told me he didn’t like when i posted stuff on Facebook without showing him first.

tells me all the time that my friends on Facebook aren’t really friends, and that if i don’t know them face to face, i should unfriend them.

tells me i have “too many” online friends

whenever we go out somewhere with other people, he talks to others and pretty much just ignores me.

i quit going to my knit night with friends because he didn’t like that they were not Catholic and that i should only be friends with people who share my beliefs.

told me when i was unemployed and a stay home mom that if i wanted to go visit my out of state mom, i should save my own money.

whenever i mention going to visit my mom, he laughs and says the kids will hate it because there is nothing to do there.

says “it’s not my fault your family is so far away”

i pretty much never go to events that i get invited to, because he always gets pissy when i go, and it’s not worth the fight.

tells me that it is too expensive to visit my family, and they should come see me, when we see his family at literally every holiday, and multiple other times throughout the year.

double standards:

tells me how stupid twitter is, and makes fun of me for using it by commenting on Facebook.

tells my older children that i drank a lot in college but that he was “never that bad”.  yet, he is the one that always wanted to go out to the bars.

rarely helps me get the kids ready to go somewhere, then gets angry at all of us when we are late.

he had a lock code on his phone, but was angry that i had a lock code on my laptop.he only took his code off when my neighbor made the comment that “married people shouldn’t have secrets”

told me early on that if i really loved him, i would get rid of all my former boyfriends’ mementos, so i did.  but he never got rid of any of his old flames’ stuff.

he makes last minute plans, yet if i want to go somewhere, i have to make the plans in advance, and he usually asks me to take one of the kids with me.

tells me all the time that he never watches tv, and he does all the time.

yells at the kids for being messy, but rarely cleans up after himself.

pushed us to hurry to go to son’s game, then when he was the one finally making us late, said “it’s ok, we have plenty of time”

 

The beginning

so i started out with my husband in college.  we met at a bar.  he was newly graduated, i was going into my junior year.  he was cute and charming, and i had never had any guy call me before, without wanting sex, so this was a new and exciting relationship.  of course, we did have sex right away, and i (in the back of my mind) knew it probably wouldn’t last.

sure enough, he called me at the end of the summer (we met in may), saying that he was older, already done with school, and had a girl coming back from break that he wanted to see again.  i was ok with that.  we went our separate ways.

come september, i called him one night, just out of loneliness and boredom.  we began to date, and were inseparable almost immediately.  i was not new to having an adoring boyfriend, but i had never adored one back, before,  i was smitten.  what i didn’t know, was that i was also almost immediately being emotionally abused.

signs of a potentially abusive relationship:

**isolation from friends and family.  almost immediately, he wanted all my time.  i lived with my three best friends and by the end of that first year, we were no longer on speaking terms.

**verbal abuse.  he would call me stupid during fights, and would yell at me when angry during fights,  not unusual, but it was still scary.  i was never a yeller until him!

**blames others.  it was always the other stupid driver’s fault, or the kids’ fault, or my fault or whomever else he could blame, instead of to just admit he was wrong.

**abuses alcohol or drugs.  we were in college.  we both did our share of abusing alcohol, but he always went way past tipsy.  always,  still does.  then, he tells me i can’t drive his drunk ass home right.

**intimidation.  he has never been intentionally intimidating, but he is 6’5″, and i am 5’2″.  you do the math.

**punish you for time away.  he never told me i couldn’t go anywhere, but he would give me the silent treatment when i got home, or want sex, or both.

**expects servitude.  he rarely did any housework, and was a complete slob when i met him.  i would have to clean the shower with the toilet brush and dish detergent just to shower.  even now, he rarely does anything but laundry (never folding or putting it away) and mowing.

**jealousy.  jealous of time away, friends, family, old boyfriends, job aspirations, etc.  he was very jealous when i won a trip to hawaii for work and he had to have the kids himself for a week.  he took them away from me out of town the weekend i got back so i had to wait to see them another whole day.

**emotional manipulation.  any time he didn’t get what he wanted, he would say “if you love me…” or he would sulk or act pouty when i tried to do things he didn’t like or agree with.

**gets physical.  he never hit me, or physically hurt me.  but, he would use my body to get revenge when i spent time away, by being very insistant on sex, then getting angry if i didn’t want to.  i finally learned to just do it every time to avoid his pouting and silent treatment.

so, early on, i was a goner.  my divorcing parents didn’t have time to deal with me, so i left them largely out of it.  i just dealt with what I thought was normal behavior.  i had no role model to follow, no experience in having a loving, long term boyfriend, and he would woo me back with tons of love and affection, and promises of being better next time.

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

 

**taken from healthcentral.com