can’t help feeling hopeful. that’s new.

so i am suspiciously hopeful that things could change for the better.  i am not entirely convinced, but am hopeful.

he still tries to manipulate me, but when i point it out, he is quick to try to explain himself, and doesn’t get defensive like he used to.  when i point things out to him that are borderline abusive, he will apologize and will ask me what i need for him to do to make it right.  he is loving, affectionate, has been helping me figure out what we need to do to go back to school, and has been helping out around the house.

but, i don’t know how long it will last.  i am doing my best to get along, because i feel like when it eventually goes to shit, which i feel it will, i want to know that i did all i possibly could to make things work.  i have a friend who divorced a few years ago.  her husband was also abusive, but at the time i didn’t know that.  she told me that she wanted him to go to counseling, but then later, he told me that when they finally went, she only went to one session, then filed for divorce.  that’s what i almost did.  now, i am glad i waited, because all i heard from her ex after their divorce was how she never tried harder.  until my own revelation about abuse, it never occurred to me that she was likely further abused during that one session, or after it, and that’s why she only went once.  i know for a fact that if i don’t give it a “good” try this time, it will be held over my head forever.

so, here i am.  making the best of things, enjoying this (probably temporary) honeymoon period, and biding my time.  i will go back to school in the fall, get a job, and get back some self esteem.

my children have benefited from his improvement, but i still see his treatment of them needs vast improvement.  that is my next issue to tackle.  he finally agreed that our nine year old needs to see a therapist, so i will try to set that up next week.  it’s so obvious when my husband treats them better, they are so happy and cooperative.  as soon as he starts getting angry, yells, or is critical, they begin to get angry and uncooperative.  i just wish he could see it as clearly as i can.

i try to keep positive, but i am just really waiting for the day when i can figure out how to live on my own.  it may take a year or so, but it will be worth it in the end.  i will use this time to work on myself, and to work on his relationship with the kids. i am hopeful that at least, he can repair his relationship with his children, even if we don’t last.  i would rather know that his relationship with his children is better, even if our relationship ends.

sucked me in again…it’s a cycle, damnit!

this has been cut and pasted from my online group emotional abuse forum.  i posted it earlier this evening and have received such wonderful validation that i feel renewed determination to get out of this hell and move on with my life.  hopefully the next time i post will be after my dick husband has been served!

God, I am such a fool.

I convinced my H to go to see the therapist, finally. That night, after I didn’t fall on my knees and tell him how proud and wonderful he was that he finally went, we got in a fight, and I basically said that if things didn’t majorly change, I would file for divorce (not telling him it is already set up). Partly, I felt he deserved a heads-up (??) and also, because I was curious of his reaction.

His reaction was:
— no divorce
— I would have to move out because he is not going anywhere
— he would not give me any money to start out new somewhere else, because he doesn’t want me to leave.
— told me that I would tell the kids terrible things about him
— basically said that me wanting a divorce was not the way to raise the kids even after I told him that I would be happier without all the pressure, thus would be a happier mom.

Then, he asked me to leave our bed (we had just turned the light off to go to sleep when this started), so I went into the living room.

He followed me, and spent a good hour or more telling me he loved me, needed me, didn’t mean to be abusive, hated that the kids were growing up the way they are because of him (all his words). He said he would do anything to get me to stay.

I pointed out that I had heard most of this before, and how many chances did he deserve, and he said “a lot”. Then he cried and cried and said that I needed to give him just one more chance, and he would “never” treat me that way again.

I gave in like a ninny and he took the next two days off work and we did stuff around the house, and he literally spent the entire time telling me that I could go back to school(something I said I needed if I was going to stay), if I wanted, I could go back to work, he promised he would fix up the house or we could buy a new one. He basically told me everything I have been wanting to hear for years.

Anyway, we went to the therapist together on Thursday. I thought, ok, either he will be abusive again, and I will leave anyway, or he will be good, and I will be able to relax.

It went well, he admitted that he had treated me badly, but I was scared to bring up anything abusive, because I knew I would have to ride home with him, and I didn’t want to have another marathon discussion.

He has been very attentive, telling me that he loves me constantly (totally love-bombing me) and yet, he is still being manipulative.

He wanted to cuddle, and I said I didn’t want to last night, and he made a sad face and was like, “I can’t help wanting to cuddle you all the time”, though he hadn’t hardly touched me or had sex with me in two months, just a few days before.

Yesterday he said something about how he was trying hard not to yell at the kids, and he was looking forward to me being the bad guy now, kind of laughing. Then last night, he drank about six beers, and yelled at them about how they “always” spill things, and how they “never” clean up well enough. Also, he did a similar thing today, where he spackled some holes in the walls and a little while after that, our 9 year old accidentally opened the door too hard and hit one of the holes, and my H was like, “he always slams his door open, and never pays attention to what he is doing.” Later he complained that “none” of our kids are good at cleaning up after themselves and that they have “terrible” listeningskills.

Um, they range in age from 2-19. Some of them need help with learning to listen and examples from us on how to clean. He even said that other people’s kids don’t act like our’s.

He has given me sob stories about his mom and how she left his dad and how it was so traumatic and terrible and how he will never forget her almost running over his dad in the car trying to get away from him. I said, “did it ever occur to you why she may have been trying to get away?” He didn’t really acknowledge that.

All of that in the 6 days since I said I would give him one more chance.

I am done, but now I don’t have the resources to move out and I don’t have the same plan in place I had before. I can have him served pretty much any time next week, but it will be much worse after I spent this week hugging and kissing him, telling him I do love him. Basically comforting him (again) and not pointing out his manipulation. I am terrified that I will not be able to do this again, and I will be suckered back in. He will just tell me that we need to go to counseling again.

I really feel like the only way to do this is to move out, but I can’t if I don’t have a place to live, and I really wanted to let the kids stay here at home without having to move them.

I may just have to try and rent an apartment and do it anyway, even if it isn’t convenient. I can apply for jobs this week, and I can take half out checking account money, which will only be about $1500, but will be a good start.

I feel like I am stuck even more now than I was before. I am so flipping mad at myself. I just can’t believe I let him do this to me again.

I felt like I could give him a chance and in the mean time, go back to school, get a job, etc and have a chance at a new us. Why did I really think it would change? Almost immediately I regretted it, but I thought that I was just so used to the way he was treating me before that this new attention was just uncomfortable. Now I realize my body was telling me that it was out of the ordinary because he had turned it on like a switch again.

therapy is a wonderful thing, unless it’s with your abuser.

therapy with a qualified domestic abuse therapist is amazing.

just having someone there to listen to you without judgement, anger, dismissal, fear, condescension, sarcasm…it’s a wonderful thing.

but…the thought of my abusive husband going to see a therapist on his own terrifies me.  what lies will he tell?  what kind of unconscious validation will he get from a therapist that only sees his side of things?

the urge to go with him is powerful.  but not recommended with an abusive relationship.

according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website,

“Therapy can be very effective for some couples who are working through difficult relationship issues. However, if abuse is present in the relationship, we do not recommend that couples seek counseling together.

……

The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship” problem. Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other relationship issues distracts from the abusive behavior, and may actually reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate.

…..

A better option for abusive partners who want to change is a program designed specifically to address their abusive behaviors. These programs are often referred to as Battering Intervention and Prevention Programs (BIPPs), although what they are called can vary from state to state. BIPPs focus on teaching accountability and non-violent responses. These programs can be effective, but only if an abusive partner is truly committed, as real change is a difficult process that can take months or years.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or if you are an abusive partner who wants to change, please give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat online everyday from 7am-2am CST. Our advocates are here to support you and talk through your options.”

legal process, step three

the divorce petition is all written out.  the lawyer has been hired and is ready to serve husband in mid-january.

i am both incredibly relieved and totally, breathlessly terrified.

i should win an academy award for my convincing portrayal of the forgiving wife, but this shit will get real in two weeks.

if you are the praying type, please say a quick prayer for strength and peace with my decision.

happy new year!

lies, ridiculous lies

below is a post i recently shared on an online emotional abuse forum…forgive the fragmented sentences.  i was pissed!

So I was starting to feel guilty about getting ready to divorce my husband. I was *thisclose* to calling the lawyer to postpone it.

Then, I left my phone with the man while I went to the eye doctor because he couldn’t find his own phone. Every night I go through and delete the history (smartphone) to keep itrunning well, and to keep safe.

I came home from appointment, and then he went for his eye appointment (our two year old is a terror, so we were swapping so we wouldn’t have to bring him with us). I opened up my phone, and was checking out Facebook, then went into my recent apps to switch back to email, and I see a porn video opened as one of my apps.

WTF??

He has lied to me about porn before, I’ve seen it in his web history, and he blamed the kids, computer glitches, malware, you name it.

So, I confronted him. I said I had found the video. He told me that it popped up in a link on an email, so he clicked on it.

So, using my phone instead of his own computer, then, clicking a suspicious link that he always tells us not to click. Then, by the spot in the video, I could see he had watched most of it. But it “just popped up”.

He told me that the downstairs computer was “jacked up” so he had used my phone to check his email. But, he had to have deleted the history, because it would have shown up. He swears he doesn’t even know how to delete the history (though he has the exact same phone). But he obviously couldn’t have checked his email from my phone, because it would have shown up on the history.

I checked his email on the now miraculously running computer, which was jacked up, supposedly, and didn’t see any emails anywhere on his account that would have contained a suspicious link. Not in inbox, trash, or spam.

Such a liar.

I flat out told him I didn’t believe him, and that I was tired of all his BS.

I also told him that I was upset that he never called to set up a counselor appointment like I had asked him to seven months ago when we first started really having issues. He told me yesterday that he did call, but they told him he couldn’t go alone, that he had to go with me. Which is not at all what my counselor said, and supposedly my husband called TWO MONTHS AGO, and neglected to tell me about it. I asked him why the f bomb he didn’t tell me he called, and he just basically said “I didn’t realize it was that important to you.”

OMG!!! That is the ONE thing I asked him to do, and he doesn’t freaking tell me he called? I didn’t believe him again, and called the office. Turns out it is not a problem for him to go alone at all, all he needs to do is be added to the file. So, again, either he lied and didn’t call, or he lied about what they told him. AND, didn’t tell me he called TWO MONTHS AGO…

I said a prayer of thanks that my eyes were opened when I was so close to throwing in the towel.

Of course, now he is all “I love you, and won’t lie any more” though he never admitted to lying in the first place.

What a butthole.

Around and around…the circular conversation

this conversation happens all the time.  i bring up a small criticism, or a request, and it is usually turned right back around to blame me.  this was copied and pasted from an online forum i belong to, which has been a huge source of validation for me…

My husband coaches. So, today my son had a game, and I went with the two youngest (2 and 6), and he coached the 11 year old.
The kids did great during the game, but I had to pee at the end, and since the game was almost over, I decided to wait until husband came out of the gym to go. So, I walked out right after the game, as I usually do, to make room for the incoming spectators for the next game. I have always done this. H stays in the gym in the corner with the boys and has his coach talk. After about five minutes, kids from the team start coming out, so I assume H will be out shortly.

So, ten minutes out in the lobby, and I am about to wet my pants. I go to the gym, look inside for H, and he is talking to one of the parents. I motion for him to come out, and he starts to come out. I went and peed.

In the van, I said, “I waited in the lobby for you to come out, and I really had to pee…next time could you just come out and tell me if you are going to be so long?”

He says, “I didn’t know where you went, and I had to watch the other team’s zone defense. And I only talked to the parent for a second. A second.”

Me: “Well, it seems like it happens a lot where I go out with the little kids and we end up waiting a long time for you. It would be nice if you could just think about us, and not take so long, or just give me a heads up.”

Him: “Well, if it happens so often, then you should expect it, and just assume I will take that long after each game. You could have come in and just told me.”

Me: “I didn’t want to take the little kids back into the crowded gym, and I was trying to be nice, letting you talk to the team. I didn’t know you were going to watch part of the next game. I would appreciate an apology once in a while, or just think about how other people feel.”

Him: “Well, I could apologize, but you just are so pissed off all the time, so I can’t win, no matter what I do.”

And on, and on. He tells me all the time that he wants me to tell him when he is doing things that bother me, but when I do, he gets mad, blames me for the whole thing, and ends up not telling me it’s my fault that he’s not apologizing.

God!! Every single time I think he’s starting to figure it out, and I think maybe I am over reacting, he pulls this crap.

And, the other day, my kids wanted to stop at the store and get a donut after school. I said no, I didn’t have any money. My 8 year old pops up and says, “and dad doesn’t like when you spend his money. Why don’t you just get a job?” I said, “well, dad doesn’t want me to work because he worries we won’t qualify for free stuff, any more.”

8 year old says, “Dad’s not very smart. He gets mad when you spend money but won’t let you get a job. That’s dumb.”

Out of the mouths of babes!

legal process, step 2, call with the lawyer

talked to a lawyer today.  it was a very reassuring, yet terrifying conversation.  he asked several of the questions I had told the paralegal that i talked to at legal aid, and clarified a few things.  he told me he would take my case!  while i am hugely relieved, i got off the phone and just sobbed.  gut-wrenching, killer sobs.  i just thank God that my 2 year old was sleeping, or he would have thought his mommy was off her rocker.

we discussed child support, alimony, whether or not i had a place to go and if i would be safe if he got served with papers and i was still in the home.  also, what my prospects and goals for the future are, going forward.  we left it that i will meet with him in a week, and then after that until after the holidays, i will think and decide for sure if i want to proceed.

i know he will be scary angry when he gets served, but i plan to be halfway to my sister’s house when he does.

either way, i can’t stay stagnant.  i have been an overweight, bored, fun-loving-but-stifled, stay home mom for 12 years.  every time i tried to grow or change, or just try something new, i was discouraged, put down, and belittled.  told we can’t afford school, but i can’t get a job because then we wouldn’t qualify for all the financial aid programs that we qualify for if i stay home.  told that he can work because he gets paid cash for his second job, so we don’t have to claim it.  he can go out and coach, and serve on the sports association, and be gone all day and half the evenings all week, but i can’t work part time, because how would the kids get to all their activities?  and who would watch them while my daughter is working and he is off at the bar having a meeting with his sports association pals?

i plan to speak with him one more time about the therapy he promised six months ago and didn’t go to.  and the fact that i want more out of my life than the same tired yearly vacation, the same routine, the living room furniture arrangement that we’ve had for 17 years.  part of me feels i owe him one last shot at redemption, though i know it will not go my way.  the attorney asked if i was past the point of no return, and in my heart, i know i am.  i am just afraid of conflict and i know the next 1-2 years of my life will be a huge upheaval.

i want to learn, and grow and not be told i am selfish for wanting more out of life…of being told by his actions, if not his words, that everything in our life is more important than me.  it will be worth it in the end.

crazymaking car troubles

my husband owns three vehicles.  a van, a convertible, and a car for my daughter.  i drive the van, he drives the convertible.  it’s a piece of crap.  the top is starting to fall apart, the trunk fills with water when it rains, the inner door panels have both fallen off at least once.  the newest issue is with the radiator.  apparently it’s leaking antifreeze, and has been “running hot”.

husband left for a weekend with his father super early saturday morning.  he rented a car, due to the overheating, and since i had the kids, he knew i would need the van.  i ASSumed he just didn’t want to drive his car so far away (2 hours).  well, i go to pick him up from the car rental drop off, and mention that our other daughter borrowed his car to attend a school function.  he says “i told you you weren’t supposed to drive the car, because if it overheats, it will ruin the engine.  son of a bitch!  you will have to go pick her up.  i was going to try to fix it today.”

i replied,  “when did you tell me not to drive the car?  if i had known that, i would have dropped her off myself.”

him:  “when i told you the car was overheating, that means don’t drive it.”

hmmm…to me, overheating means overheating, not “do not drive the car”.  i am not a mechanic, and didn’t know the engine would be ruined by driving a car that overheats.

me:  “i don’t remember you telling me that.  i’m sorry.”

him:  “i told you that friday night, while you were on the computer.”

so, telling me something while i am on the computer is not such a good idea, but i guess it’s still my fault.

me:  “well, i don’t remember that, but if you said that, i would have remembered something that important.  and, to me, overheating is not the same as running hot, and i guess i need you to be more specific about what you want when you need me to do or not do something.”

him:  “whatever.  we’ll figure it out later.”

 

after we get home, i feed the kids, while he disappears to the basement to eat the food he made on his own, and to watch football.  silly me.  i thought he was concerned about the car.  i text my daughter and tell her not to drive home, and that i would pick her up.  she says, then come now, i am done.

i go downstairs and tell husband i am leaving to get her, and he says, “i already texted her to drive home herself.”   huh??

me: “so, she can drive it?”

him:  “i don’t care.”

me:  “ok, again, i need more specifics.  is she ok to drive the car, or not?”

him:  “i said, i don’t care!”

 

later, he came upstairs after making a trip to the store to see what he could use in the radiator to fix it, and hugs me and says “i love you.”

i pull back and say, “i didn’t know about the car, i’m sorry i let her drive it, but i didn’t like that you got mad at me for something that was an accident.”

him: “well, you knew not to drive the car, and that i rented the car so that i didn’t have to take the van.”

me:  “whatever.  i don’t remember it that way, but i’m tired of talking about it.”

 

to sum up, he:

tells me he told me not to do something, when he didn’t

gets mad when i do the thing he didn’t tell me not to do

blames me for the way he got mad at me, then still doesn’t apologize

tells me he is going to “spend the day fixing it” then spends about five minutes on it, and gives up to watch football

thinks that “i love you” is the same as “i’m sorry”

and again, he spent the entire weekend either gone, or in the basement watching tv.  we literally talked more in the care arguing than we did the entire rest of the weekend.

 

and, now i am paranoid about antifreeze.  i like my iced tea with sweetener.  i feel like i should start testing it before adding the sweetener to make sure he hasn’t sweetened it for me with antifreeze, first.  may seem paranoid, but who knows what goes on in the mind of an emotional abuser?

 

the legal process

so, it begins.

i called the paralegal at the women’s center yesterday.  i filled out an application for legal services over the phone, discussing such wonderful things as:  how many bank accounts do we have(3), how many cars(3), do we have a mortgage(no), etc.  now it all goes to the lawyer to see if he can take my case for legal aid.

she was very nice, we politely discussed my years of emotional and financial abuse, and had a chuckle over how men “just don’t know their own strength, sometimes”.

and so it begins.

it sounds like i have a good case to get a good chunk of, if not half of our house, cars, savings, 401k and stocks.  it’s very important now, though, to not let on to him, or i know he will start to try to hide assets.

there are so many things i want and need to start doing, but at the same time, i feel paralyzed with fear.  not so much of what he will do to me.  but because i know that this man, who claims to love me, and is the father of my children, a coach, a loving son, will turn on me.  he will turn like a bad apple, and i worry about the rest of the barrel.  i know in my heart that my kids will understand (maybe not right away, but eventually), and will be mostly on my side, i just know he will do his best to turn them against me, and blame me for the break up of our marriage.  he will never accept full blame.  he will say he accepts part of the blame, but that will only be to garner sympathy.  he won’t actually feel the full force of what he has done to me.

that’s for me to feel.

but i am already feeling a taste of what freedom will be like.  decorating my own house, eating whatever i want to eat without getting grief.  being able to sleep the whole night without being woken up by the light and his talk that can wait until morning, but he won’t let it.  staying on the couch all weekend if i want and not feeling like i have to clean because he keeps making comments about what a pit the house is.  i can wait for the legal crap.  but i know the sweet feeling of freedom will be worth all the other stuff we will have to go through in between.

what was your biggest fear of leaving?  or of being on your own?

how can he just freaking lie right to my face?

like i don’t even matter.  like i am a freaking idiot that won’t ever check up on him.  like he can just say whatever the f*ck he wants and it’s just ok, because it’s what he wants.  because i farging trust him.  why do i do that?

lies about women.  lies about money.  lies about stupid crap, just to be lying.

the worst thing, though, is he has made me a liar.  i lie all the time, now, because if i don’t, i get consequences.  i get the stare-down.  i get the lecture.  i get the guilt trip.  i get the passive-aggressive BS that he feeds everyone he ever comes into contact with.

no more lies.  i am keeping track, assbutt.  someday, you will regret those lies, because no one will believe the truth.  the abuser who cried, “i’m sorry”.